Predator Does the South End

Many residents of Boston's South End were perturbed yesterday by the appearance of a new visitor to their beloved neighborhood: Outer Space's Predator.
"I was just taking a walk to the Neopolitan bakery for a pistachio scone, with Chloé, my 9 month old, in my Karma Baby Sling, when all of a sudden this disgusting creature materialized in front of me," said Union Park resident Heather McMartin. "I mean, I love the neighborhood's diversity, but a hideous eight-foot-tall body-armored alien with mosquito-like pinchers? Someone should really do something about this."

The Original

What's at stake in the future Hollywood Blockbuster MONITOR VS. MERRIMACK VS. ALIEN VS. PREDATOR? For the Northerners, the self-sacrificing task of keeping the Union together at all costs. For the Southerners, the desperate attempt to keep the simple, agrarian lifestyle they've always known. Vin Diesel will play Abraham Lincoln—perhaps a strange casting choice, but imagine the hilarity of Lincoln's narrow stovepipe hat perched on Vin's meaty head. Matthew McConaughey will be a rakish, drawling Jefferson Davis, constantly surrounded by a group of coquettish Southern Belles (inc. Cher) who are waving fans and tittering. Heath Ledger (er...his ghost? too soon?) and Jake Gyllenhaal will play soldiers on opposite sides who are abandoned by each of their battallions for dead and nurse each other back to life, then pitch a pup tent in the woods of Gettysburg and...you know...

THEN, just when the audience is convinced that this is merely a heart-wrenching historical epic, three red dots appear on the forehead of Stonewall Jackson (Billy Bob Thornton) and he's blown to smithereens as it turns out that PREDATOR has joined the battle!! After a passionate, candlelit conversation with Lincoln, Predator joins the side of the North and there's a slow-motion scene of him waving the Union flag and slowly turning invisible as "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" crescendos in the background.

HOWEVER, it won't be until the last scene, after the Merrimack has sunk and all the surviving characters assemble in Ford's Theater, when 3 red dots appear on Lincoln's forehead and there's a sudden cut to the balcony where the claw of ALIEN busts through Predator to reveal that HE is actually the assassin!!

A sudden cut back to the shocked face of Vin Diesel's Lincoln, then an even more sudden cut back to Alien as there's a loud unzipping noise and JOHN WILKES BOOTH (played by the fetching Colin Farrell) is revealed to be the actual-actual Alien/Predator!!!

Cameos by Chris Rock as Frederick Douglass, Keira Knightley as Harriet Beecher Stowe, Bruce Willis as John Brown, and Angelina Jolie as Lady Predator